


After Math

by Recidiva



Series: Reverie and Tiremit [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:57:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5402168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recidiva/pseuds/Recidiva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is part 3 of the Reverie and Tiremit series, a prompt to provide a conversation between Garrus and Thane after a plot point in "Delicate Subject."  This takes place immediately after the end of chapter 21 of that story.  Major, otherwise out of context spoilers for that story, this likely won't make sense in any way, given that "Delicate Subject" has the addition of new plot, an OC and takes place in an AU.  </p><p>"Delicate Subject" is told through Shepard's POV, so I am just going to add it on to the series as a separate prompt and not change the point of view of the main story, just tack this bit on to see something Shepard would not see.  This prompt is told from Thane's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Math

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Felinafullstop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felinafullstop/gifts), [ArtificialStupidity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtificialStupidity/gifts).



After Jane walked away, Thane stood, a broken puppet, Yahlis’s strings revealed to be not indoctrination, but as he had feared…and as Jane had understood…his own will that had pulled at him for weeks, tense and fraying but holding him on his course.

Damned by the fact that he had wanted to know, wanted to see everything that had happened to her in that room, and he got his wish. He had needed to know in order to reverse, avenge what had happened, and then he had needed to know like a flagellant, tearing off his own flesh, his own mind, as he watched and listened.

Once again his Siha had taken his failings onto herself, bore them with the fortitude she had shown in that room. She had not asked a single question about what had happened to her.

She had had her own memories stolen from her so often, the times she’d lunged at Yahlis, the times she’d seen through the pain, the compulsions, the drugs, even the indoctrination on her own. The times she’d seen through Yahlis and reached out with that unbearable compassion that made him understand his relationship with her.

In her eyes, he had always been a child. His childish behavior had been forgiven, the harm he’d done…had been forgiven, dismissed with a snap of her fingers, because she had known the shape of his mind, that where it was small and cramped and tight was not only from pressure, but immaturity.

Her faith was a terrible thing to behold, to live up to, to fail to live up to…

He allowed himself to wish again for another self indulgent moment that she had killed him in that room, that he had provoked the wrath that lived coiled in her like an adder. He had seen death in the tension in her arms, in her closed eyes and bent head, expected it, welcomed it, and then she had forgiven him, and he was lost.

In his mind he saw Yahlis’s face each time Jane had broken her in that room, each time Yahlis had been confused, frightened and terrified of the inevitable loss she faced, as she could not turn Jane, as Jane had converted her, comprehended her, comforted and loved her, vowed to protect her and then set about doing that with the whole strength of the person she was.

Jane had broken in that room only to reveal more strength. Yahlis had broken beholding it, and so had Thane.

Garrus’s arms enfolded him and Thane was safe. The first moment of safety since disarming Yahlis’s pistol, safely out of Jane’s terrible regard, safe from weeks of slow, inevitable evisceration in each moment. Jane had known to deliver him to Garrus…and then walk away, asking nothing for herself except that Thane did not pawn what had been stolen from her for some unknown favor he would gain in betraying her.

Yes, she would be safe from being known as a Goddess several times over…again…as having compassion and strength, focused wrath and purpose under stresses others could not bear. Your divinity and impossible standards and benchmarks of performance are safe, Siha. I shall keep them so. Of course I shall save you from that, Siha, to be seen as extraordinary. We shall both pretend you broke as fully as you wish to believe you did, that you did not ruin a woman built to be impervious as you laughed and vowed to protect her, as each story you told of saving other people painted a picture for her of the galaxy reliant on your choices.

That you did not ruin me simply through beholding it.

Garrus was safety, already knew Jane’s divinity, was not buying or selling. Garrus’s only needs involved knowing the people he loved would not kill each other, would not kill him, would not destroy his ship and his mission.

Done. Already done, Invas’nam, with your faith and trust.

I do not belong here, in your arms, with her trust, with her screams and reassurances in my head, with the look on her face she believes I did not see as she lunged to kill me.

Thane would try to reach for truth, try to learn to recognize it, try to admit failure and flaw. He must begin now, in the presence of those things. Jane could not provide that for him, he could not provide that for her, but they could both return to Garrus, their wellspring, without whom he and Jane would spin off into imbalanced and self-reinforcing darkness. Or he would. She could always draw herself back to center, some gyroscopic instinct he lacked. Thane said “I have missed you beyond bearing, Invas’nam.”

Garrus’s hands moved to either side of his throat, willing to touch, to allow his poisoned skin to soak in with trust, to prove he was not afraid. Garrus’s crest moved to his forehead and he stood there, suspended, unable to set a foot on any path until Garrus showed him how, where to go.

Garrus said softly “My heart is whole to see you, finally see you beyond who you were forced to be these last weeks. You’re exhausted, you’re hungry, what do you need, what can I do? You need rest and food. You push yourself too far.”

Garrus could no doubt smell it all on him, burned and seized as he was, an engine with no oil, smoke and strain. Thane said “I could not rest, I could not eat until I answer your questions, you have waited…and you push yourself farther, against less resistance generated from your own failings. You have accomplished a miracle in her regaining her reason. I owe you my life and I offer you my love, and apologies that it must be this way. I saw each moment of what was done to her, and I had to offer her the opportunity to reject my presence because of that, because I abandoned her, knowing she had you. She has accepted me, and…apologizes…for being forced to reject my skin, and I am broken.”

Garrus sighed and his hands moved to caress the back of Thane’s tense neck, feeling and then massaging lightly against the strained muscle “Well, let’s face it…you’re always at least a little bit broken, so am I…so is she. We’re still standing. You two are beyond my comprehension but not beyond my reach, and that’s all that matters. She has tried to apologize for rejecting my plates, but I keep threatening to hit her if she tries.” 

Garrus drew back but kept hold of his hand, led him to an adjacent door and said “At least get off your feet. Sit down and tell me what you have to tell me, I’ll listen. You do your weird food thing, I’m sure you have some close. I want you to eat and promise to get some rest.”

Thane said to the teasing “Of course I have some weird food close. I expected she might kill me, and I believe she was tempted to and I almost provoked her to it, but I would hardly go unprepared to my own execution. What if she’d allowed me a last meal? I could not tolerate her food. The things she eats…”

Garrus closed the door and said “Then let’s go to your room. Do your food thing. You’re two shades paler than I’ve ever seen you, and I’ve seen you nearly bleed to death.”

Thane nodded and changed course, a room not far to walk, around a corner, adjacent to possible execution. He woodenly went to go get some prepared food, sat dutifully at a table like the one he’d sat across from her. He expected it to have no taste, but he was not entirely dead or deadened as expected, he was in fact hungry and it was delicious, his first taste of tentative freedom, still prepared according to what he had been taught while a slave.

Jane knew the specifics of his food rituals from his own lips. Garrus merely acknowledged it as true, labeled it as weird in teasing, and did not press further. How that was possible Thane would aspire to know, but perhaps could not. 

A restraint of curiosity seemed to be a prerequisite of kindness. Such an underrated talent, and something beyond his reach. For now. Perhaps he could learn.

Garrus waited patiently, Thane realized he would not ask any questions, same as Jane had not, that they trusted him to tell the story.

He set down his spoon and said “Yahlis is in suspended animation, cryogenic storage. She gave me all the information regarding Jane’s captivity and indoctrination. I have a list of medications used and the times, samples of each, though she could not provide manufacturers or suppliers, and a sample of the method of indoctrination used here in this room as well as her account of its usages and expected results. She further granted me access to her current knowledge of the organization of the Hanar compact. She and I raided the data regarding their infrastructure together, wiped out all record of Jane’s captivity, and further ended the lives of those who authorized and facilitated it. With the information gained there, Feron and I have rescued and relocated assassin trainees from their compounds. Jane has authorized my return to the Normandy predicated on your permission, and I wish to continue to dismantle the Compact.”

So it could be turned into a short story after all.

Garrus said hollowly “You’re fucking kidding me.”

Thane said wryly “I am not fucking kidding you.” I have missed you so much.

Garrus said with exasperation “Why didn’t you Spirits-damned well tell me that before we went through all of this bullshit? That’s all good news.”

Thane said with some of his regained equilibrium “It is all good news…now. My reticence is in the way that I gained the information. I did not gain Yahlis’s cooperation, she gained mine. It was all her idea. I believed myself to possibly be indoctrinated as I was following her commands. Until we were done, until I saw where her plans ultimately led, which I feared might be back to the Normandy to attempt to do harm, or to eliminate targets for her own reasons, I did not communicate. I could not ask you or Jane to trust that Yahlis, within seconds of attempting to infiltrate the Normandy, had switched allegiances so fully that she provided me with the means to accomplish everything she believed Jane needed.”

Garrus said softly “For such a good liar you pick really fucking weird times to tell the truth.”

Thane shrugged and said “It goes with the weird food.”

Garrus said with a slight laugh “So Jane fucked her up but good, huh?”

Thane nodded and said “Perhaps that is not so difficult for you to believe.”

Garrus said “Not at all. That’s my girl. Once again, though...why couldn’t you tell me that?”

Thane said carefully “Regardless of the outcome…it remains that I have seen Jane’s captivity, every moment, every second, not only the surveillance, but Yahlis’s accounts and motivations. Jane is a practical woman and I believe pleased with the outcome, but it came from the fruit of the poisoned tree. I chose to follow Yahlis, to not return to the Normandy. I abandoned her. I was able to do it because she had you, and that is still not enough reason to watch every single moment, that she knows each time she looks at me, I have those seven weeks, things even she does not know, in my mind and that I can never forget them. Could you ask her to choose to look at me, talk to me, see me again if I knew every secret wrested from her mind? She saw Yahlis as a prisoner, someone she needed to protect, someone she needed to save. She treated Yahlis as she would any in her adopted crew, with her blend of toughness and kindness. She was tormented by Drell assassin venom. Yes, she is immune to Yahlis as she is to me, but in the end she was only granted seven seconds. I witnessed that breakdown from a whole woman to a woman with seven seconds under her control. I also followed the woman who as far as I knew had been successful in permanently destroying Jane’s mind.”

Garrus said slowly “Would have been easier if you’d just tortured Yahlis into it, huh?”

Thane sighed and said “Yes…and no. I should not indulge my need for torture.”

Garrus said with a sharp look at Thane’s face “Then you’re in the wrong line of work.”

Thane nodded and said “That is a truth. Jane still has use for me. I shall be of use.”

Garrus said carefully “And for such a good liar, you’re doing a good job.”

Thane nodded and said “Of course I am. You would expect no less.”

Garrus said “All right. So we come out of this ahead, except for the personal cost of her health, safety and peace of mind, and yours. You know sometimes I just want to tell you both to fucking spit it out, but I know you won’t.”

Thane’s smile felt dark as he said “As though you had not been asked to keep her secrets safe.”

Garrus rolled his eyes “She doesn’t need to actively create them or confide them as much as she seems to need to when you’re about.”

Thane said carefully “Because we both rely on you for your example of what right action is, what honesty is, what perspective grants. What she does not confide in you, she would never confide in me unless it were absolutely necessary. I have pried and intruded, done harm where you would not, and I do not deserve forgiveness, from her or from you, yet she has granted it. I do not believe I deserve forgiveness. I do not wish for you to believe that her confidences are the fruits of anything but the fact that she and I poke and pry at each other until something breaks. What I have of her in my head she does not wish to inflict upon the greater world, certainly not upon you, and from that you should glean that she adores you, and you do deserve the best she has to give to you. You grant her peace where I do not, and possibly never will. She will always see Yahlis in my skin, and she is not wrong. I was Yahlis. I had more years of being Yahlis than Yahlis has had, and as long as I am of use I shall serve, but I do not believe it is because I am deserving of glory, but needing to atone for a lifetime of pain and abuse.”

Garrus leaned back, arms over his chest and said “Then give me an example of necessity. One she would approve of me knowing.”

Thane considered and then said “Yahlis learned that she had ampules implanted under her skin, one for you, one for me. Neurotoxins. Just in case she needed to take us both down after our declarations of independent contractor mutiny and my repeated insistence on the same in private conversations. Just in case she needed to die and needed us to live without possibility of interference. Just in case I had you under my control enough to follow my commands, which she knew…I could do had I the will.”

Garrus smiled and said “That doesn’t surprise me at all. There’s a story about Wrex I should tell you, but I never did. And do you have the will?”

Thane sighed and said “Of course I have the will. Perhaps not at this moment, but she has urged me to learn my limits and I have heretofore been incapable of that. Perhaps tomorrow.”

Garrus said “Perhaps tomorrow sounds like a good idea. You’ve done and said enough. Please, Invas’nam, rest.”

Thane felt tears crowd and opted for momentary honesty again “You should go to her, she needs you. I should urge you to go, that I will rest, that you need only trust that I will and that you would be able to go be a Commander without fear, but beyond all other gifts that could be granted, that I do not deserve, I wish for you to stay with me and watch over me as I sleep. I am afraid of who I am, of what I know, of what I might do, of what I must do. Please hear my broken truth and choose for me.”

Garrus said slowly with a choked voice “I believe that is the first time you have asked for something that you could have taken. Perhaps today. She gave you to me for a reason, and I am yours. You know you insisted that she choose for me, and she told me that four weeks would not be enough to break you, and that if you were indoctrinated we could do something about that, and I agreed.”

Thane closed his eyes and smiled, the wreckage of his mind on the shore slowly being worn down, smoothed out by the presence of embodied hope, a lapping inexorable tide, idealized and delivered, an unsung hero in the form of Garrus. “You bring me peace, Garrus. Perhaps tomorrow I will believe I deserve it, today I will cling to it as something that allows me to breathe.”

Garrus moved to lift him as Thane realized he was not even considering standing, numb and struck dumb. He was safe, and he was tired, and then with the permission of “Sleep, Invas’nam, I will watch over you, I will not leave. I do not wish to leave.” he was able to rest for the first time in what seemed an eternity.


End file.
